Monday, October 19, 2009

We're Done

I'm O'ing off of my right. Again.  No IUI, no baby, no nothing. We can't afford IVF, and even if we could, who wants to pay that much for a "maybe baby" when you can pay the same and adopt a child that you are guaranteed to get.  Ben wants me to really start researching and contacting people about international adoption. We're done trying. I don't even know how long I'll keep this blog going...I might delete it entirely. What's the point...I can't chronicle my pregnancy and delivery etc, nothing. It would just be stupid musings and complaints (not that I don't complain enough on here already). Bye, if anyone cares. I don't know if I'll be back.
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Saturday, October 17, 2009

Come on, Lefty!

Well, the U/S showed that I had follicles on both ovaries...wait to work, Menopur! However, the one on my left ovary was around 10/11mm, and the one on the right was 12mm. I need lefty to GROW GROW GROW and be as big or bigger than the right follicle on Monday, which is when I go in for another U/S to check what's going on. If Lefty does its job, we'll schedule my trigger shot and IUI. If not, we're done for a year. I'm not confident. I've been having pains on my right side all day, much like O pains, although with the size the follicles were yesterday they're not O pains...so they must be growing pains. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let the left one grow fast and the right one slow down...I need this to work. I think I mentioned before that we're already researching adoption and that the Ukraine looks like a winning candidate. Plus the military will reimburse $2000 per child up to $5000 a year for adoption...we could do one trip, around $14000 and have 2 kids (since after the first child, if you get a second in the same trip-possibly a sibling group-is only $2000 more). Our family would be complete. I just think that I would feel empty somehow if we don't get to have our own biological child. On the other hand, with all the issues we've had, I worry that if we do adopt and then end up getting our biological child that the biological child would get "special" treatment" from us...so in the end it's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, no matter what happens.

Whatever in the world happened to "have sex, you'll get pregnant, and you'll have a baby." Whoever said that and made all of us think that it would happen that way for everyone should be shot. Ugh.
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Friday, October 16, 2009

I woke up at 5:15...AM

I'm so nervous. About everything. About the fact that I sold our old car earlier this week and now it's apparently having issues...not bad issues, the engine light's on (which has happened before but both times it's only been a sensor, nothing major) and it needs oil). About the fact that  Ben  is leaving for Iraq soon and we've been talking about adoption more seriously. About the fact that in 5 hours and 19 minutes I'll be at the RE's office, finding out if my left ovary decided to come out and play this month. About the fact that if my left ovary did decide to cooperate, that IUI is coming SOON and it may be the last shot that Ben agrees to, about  the fact that I will be going through a high risk pregnancy, a possible reduction if necessary (if there are multiples) and a probably preterm delivery via C-section without my husband, since there is no way to know when to ask for leave...about the fact that my student loans never seem to go down, and that we have 2 car payments and a credit card bill that seems to grow exponentially even though I religiously put $500 on it each month-even though we could be using that money to enjoy  Ben's last few weeks at home.

So, at 5:00 my alarm went off and I temped, like I do every morning. But instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, I started having a panic attack about the possibility that I didn't account for my student loan payment coming out of my checking account. I did, no problem, but that didn't stop my brain from racing thinking about everything that's going on.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG...what if today she tells me that my left ovary apparently hates me and there will be no IUI AGAIN this cycle...what if everything does work...what if what if what if?
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Sunday, October 11, 2009

Wow

My best friend is pregnant. She didn't even want kids. I found out through Facebook. Enough said. I quit. Not really, but this is just about my breaking point. I'm getting to where I've taken all I can take, I'm not sure that I'll be able to handle news like this, delivered in this fashion, again.
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Tired, Irratable, and Rock Band Beatles

Last night Ben  decided that me saying "I'm tired, I'm going to bed" meant that if he came to bed over an hour after me he would get to...play. We'll just say he's persistent. But, because of his persistence, I didn't get to sleep  (correction...I didn't get to go to sleep and stay asleep) until 2am. Which throws my sleeping pattern way off. Did I mention that I have mild, self-diagnosed insomnia? It's difficult for me to fall asleep, and once I do I only sleep 1-3 consecutive hours at a time...so him waking me up was not in his best interests LOL! Plus, I'm finally getting to a point where I can fall asleep before 1am on my own, and I was getting excited. SO needless to say, I did my on-again, off-again sleep pattern until 11am. That's right...I slept until 11am...which I'm trying hard to avoid (if you go to bed later, it only stands to reason you sleep in later, right?).

When I woke up, I heard gunshots. No, not REAL gunshots... Ben was killing Nazi Zombies on the X-Box...don't ask. This has become one of his favorite past times. OK fine, it's 11am, I needed to get up anyway, so, I'll deal with being woken up in one of the most inconvenient fashions. HOWEVER...we have a long standing agreement that he can play all his little games that require the TV until I'm awake or if I say I don't mind...but he doesn't get to monopolize the TV all the time (did I mention that we have EVERY gaming system available in the most current format? Fun for me...I pretty much HATE video games). Here it is, 12:30, I still haven't eaten, and he's playing Rock Band Beatles...for the last hour. Hasn't even mentioned or thought that I might like to use the TV, at least for a little bit. So I'm being petty, I know, but seriously...after waking me up last night from a dead sleep, he should know how close to death he came (joking) and be aware that I'm not in my best mood!

On another note, I do love the Beatles, but not at a decibel that would make an elephant's head explode!
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Saturday, October 10, 2009

Really...PAYING for a Dog Park?

So, Ben  and I were really excited to take our two dogs to the off leash dog park that's about 30 minutes from us. We used to do this at our old duty station frequently, and our routine was to go get coffee, spend about an hour or more at the dog park and then take the girls for a walk to really wear them out. It was a fun, inexpensive way to spend the day. We were so excited when we learned that there is a dog park close by here as well!

I go and look the park up online this morning to make sure we know where it is and the rules/regulations etc. only to find out that they REQUIRE a paid membership to use the park. You have to have a friggin' KEY CARD to get in! And you are REQUIRED to do a minimum of 4 hours community service at the park to keep your membership (yeah, how are they going to keep track of that). So, no dice on that. Especially because you can't go there, pay the fee, and get in that day. You have to either mail in a check or contact them and hope that they get back to you, and then you have to wait for your card to get to you. By the time that all of that happens  Ben  will be deployed!

On to plan B... Ben 's looking at "hiking" in the area. Of course, we're from the NW, so this won't be the kind of hiking we're used to, but it might be something. The only problem there: He's looking at 4.5 mile hikes...I went on a short walk with my MIL the other day and got sciatica! How on earth does he think I'm going to make it 4.5 miles...and it might rain today (oh hell, it will rain, who am I kidding!).

Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to stay at home snuggled on the couch with the dogs...
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Thursday, October 8, 2009

AF....GO AWAY!!!

She's here. Again. And again and again and again. Really, why is it so hard for her to go away for about 9 months with the result being a beautiful bouncing new baby? Why? WHY???? Oh yeah, that's right, because my body HATES me!!!!

As I said before, (I think) the injectables did what they were supposed to do and made my O dysfunction go away, which is WONDERFUL! It (hopefully) means that if and when we do get pg with the meds the baby will be viable. I'm pretty sure that the combination of my O dysfunction and my MTHFR are what caused my last M/C, and am really hopeful about this IUI coming up...probably mostly because it's the last shot before deployment...for real this time, Ben won't even be home when I find out if I'm pg or not!

On another note...the in-laws just left today. I love having them here, I love seeing the family, but they're a bit much for me to deal with since they're a little more...well...introverted than my family. Conversations can feel a bit stilted with them, and I get tired trying to keep up the facade that I'm loving every second I spend trying to get them to have a normal conversation LOL! It doesn't help that my BIL is having issues lately, and is putting more than just a little strain on everyone in the family, and subsequently on the family as a whole.

I did get a pedicure today...YAY! Isn't it amazing how much better you feel just by having pretty feet? My mom thinks I'm nuts to spend $30 or more every 3-4 weeks on a pedicure, but with everything going on, I figure it's a small price to pay to feel pretty and relaxed, right? OK OK, so I could just take a bath, but it's so much more fun to have someone else pamper and spoil you...after all, with a bath I have to run it, put the salts/bubbles in, pour the wine (if I can have it), light the candles, and clean the tub when I'm done...it's way more fun (and satisfying) to have someone else do all the work and all I'm in charge of is relaxing LOL!
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Friday, September 25, 2009

Ugh...Meds or Me?

Well, if I'm not pg, and I'm not sick (I don't think) then why do I feel like crap all the time lately? I'm either cramping or feeling like I'm going to puke or so tired that I want to sleep, but (of course) sleep won't come. We're talking like, 1 or 2 am that I can finally shut myself off and go to sleep, and even then I'm waking up at least once if not more during the night. The cramping has been happening about a week after ovulation for 3 cycles now...it kept me up for 2 hours a couple nights ago. Since I did have one follie on my good ovary (even though it was small) I don't know if I O'd off of that side at all or not, and if I did I don't want to take any meds to curb the pain aside from Tylenol, and let me tell you, good old Tylenol isn't cutting it this time! We're talking, start in the normal spot for cramps and work their way around to my back in a searing, radiating pain!

Then today (for the second time this week) I woke up feeling sick to my stomach and got dizzy when I got out of bed. Within being up for no more than 1 1/2 hours I started feeling nauseous. I don't think I'm pg (at this point I've all but given up hope of that without the IUI,and even then I'm skeptical) so at this point I'm blaming the meds and a mean body...WTH, I've never cramped earlier than a couple days before my period.

The really sucky thing is that I can't even truly count these as possible pg symptoms since they have started around the same time for 3 cycles now...great, my body just decides to hate me and put me through all this for the fun of it!

Then, on top of all of this, Ben's brother is turning into a royal F*%k up, and his family may not be able to come visit Ben before he deploys. We're all so mad at his brother it's indescribable. The reality of the situation is that Ben is deploying and he may not come back. It's bad juju to say it, but there he is. It's too late for him to get a pass to go home and see his family, and his brother can't leave the state right now...Monday will bring the news if that's been lifted or not. It's been 3 years of this crap with him, and this is the final straw for us. So on top of all of our TTC issues and stresses, Ben and I are having to deal with that too, which isn't helping anything. We have a month until he deploys, we should be trying to enjoy our time together, and it feels like most of our time is worrying about his brother or scheduling things for the IUI etc. Luckily we're being pretty good about finding things to do...aka wildlife reserve, going to other cities around here to explore, having nights out with friends, so we're still enjoying life, but there seems to always be a cloud over all of that (more about his brother than TTC...we've pretty much come to terms with all of the baby-making stuff).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
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Monday, September 21, 2009

Getting past it...or not

Every time I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I might not ever be able to have biological children, something comes up or someone says something that sets me back to a place where I'm not so OK with everything. For example, this month, after learning that the IUI wouldn't be happening, the NP said "there have been rare cases where the egg crosses over to the good tube and a pregnancy happened." Well, shit. I was doing so well, OK with the fact that a pregnancy wouldn't happen this month. Then she says that and, no matter how slim the chance, the chance is still there...and all my resiliance melts away. Then my mom says (after I tell her that I am OK with it) that she "just knows" I'll have kids of my own...call it a "gut feeling." NOT HELPING! AAAARGH!
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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Well...Crap. And Yay!

IUI is out this month. The injectibles did what they were supposed to do...I had healthy looking follicles. One on the right ovary and one on the left. The problem is that the larger one, the one that will result in ovulation, is on the right, which means that it can't be fertilized since my right ovary isn't attached to my uterus. SO...that's crap for this month.

On the other hand, due to the fact that my cycle has shortened and stabilized, Ben will be home for one more shot at IUI....I'm seriously hoping that they up my meds next cycle to try and ensure ovulation from my left ovary. I'm also kind of hoping that even though the follicle on the left is small, it matures enough to give us the possibility of fertilizing it this cycle the old fashioned way. Fingers crossed! I'll probably know in a couple weeks!
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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

IUI here we come!

So, since I got my period yesterday, the fun is about to begin! My insurance doesn't pay for my injectibles, but they do pay for the HcG shot? What?? That just doesn't make sense to me. Anyway...

$134 for the 2 days worth of injectibles...check.

Appointment to learn how to administer injectibles...Check.

Appointment for the U/S to check on my follicles and make sure I'm ovulating on the left side...check

HcG shot ordered...check

Confident about being able to administer these meds myself without freaking out...well, 4 out of 5 ain't bad!

I hate shots. I hate needles. Whatever makes these people think I'll be able to do this on my own is a mystery to me. I still don't know the exact results of my renal U/S or my MRI yet...but it must not have shown anything we didn't already know, or else they wouldn't have started the IUI cycle...right? We'll see. The really fun part about all of this is that my parents will be here next week...the week of my injectible drugs and U/S...oh joy. I'm really hoping the side effects aren't too bad...I would hate for the first time my parents, husband and I get to spend together in 9 months (and the last time for a year) to be marred by me being moody due to meds (well, more moody than usual at least LOL).

At this point all I can do is sit back and think positive...if we don't get pregnant in this shot then we have to wait for another year until the hubby gets back from deployment. It figures that as soon as we figure out what's going on and take steps to overcome it he has to deploy. It just figures!
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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

MRI...Finally

OK, MRI tomorrow. Yikes. I got my confirmation of approval from my insurance today, so all is well...and, even better, Captain Caffeine can go with me, so I don't have to hear bad news alone. Isn't is sad how after a while we come to expect bad news rather than good? I guess it just means that when we get good news it's just that much better...right? The nice thing is that, since I ovulated from my right side (aka the floating ovary) and there is no chance of me being pg, I can sit here enjoying a nice glass of wine without feeling the slightest bit of guilt. Wish me luck tomorrow...in a perfect world it would show a fully functioning, fully formed uterus with some sort of blockage that can be fixed...but I'm fully expecting it to show exactly what we think...a unicornuate uterus. After that is the renal U/S to check my kidneys...gotta make sure those little guys are both there, fully formed, and functioning correctly. That's actually the part that makes me a bit nervous...my little sister has bad kidneys, and while I know it's not related, that my condition is just a birth defect, I can't help but worry that I've only got one kidney and have not been treating it so nicely.


On another note...I found a picture that explains what my particular unicornuate uterus looks like...well, at least after a bit of altering on my part. Check it out:
So, obviously, the one on the left is a normal uterus, and the one on the right is what I have (we think). I have a hard time explaining what it is without pictures...this helps a lot!
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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Murphy's Law and FlyLady

Ok, so I got hit by a total case of Murphy's law yesterday/today. Anything that can go wrong, will. Joy. Yesterday my Dr. called to tell me that my insurance would not pay for my MRI/renal U/S (both of which were scheduled today) until my Primary Care Manager (family physician) submitted another referral with a different diagnosis. My first referral put the "diagnosis" as unexplained infertility. Well...now we have an actual diagnosis, the "Congenital Malformation of the Uterus" which is what the inurance company wanted in order to approve the MRI. Confused yet? It took me a minute too. Fun stuff. So, as of yesterday at about 10am, my RE was cancelling my MRI until we could get that approval. Sometime after 12PM the imaging center left a message on my answering machine (Energy Drink and I were out having a day together since he just got home from a 25 day training at NTC...the National Training Center in California) saying that I had an appointment for my MRI at 9:30am today...my Dr had told me 9am, so I assumed that the 9am had been cancelled, then my referral approved, and they rescheduled me for 9:30am. OK, still fun, still confusing, but fine.
Fast forward to this morning. I get up, exhausted (I have a little insomnia and sleeping patterns are hard...I'm working on changing that) and get to the imaging center, where I am told that I don't have an appointment. I explain to the lady what was going on with the referral, cancellation, etc, and that I got a call after I was supposed to be cancelled telling me that I had an appointment. She calls the scheduler, who confirms that my appt. had been cancelled. Fine. It's a 30 minute drive from my house, but, sure. I then get home, it's now 11:15AM here, and I get a call from my PCM telling me that my referral with the new diagnosis has been approved. Ugh.
Now I just got off the phone with my RE's office and we're going to reschedule the MRI and renal U/S. I'm tired of referrals/insurance etc. While I usually don't have an issue with TriCare once things are approved, getting to that point is proving to be less than pleasant. I've never (well, at least since I got married) gone to off-post Dr.'s, never had to deal with proof of insurance or referrals, so this is a new ballgame to me. Luckily for me, my mother taught me how to deal with beaurocracy in a fashion which allows you to pretty much get whatever you want LOL!
On a better note, I'm on day 5 of the FlyLady program, and I'm loving it! I'm more motivated, I get more accomplished and my sink looks great! If you haven't heard of it, go to www.flylady.net and check it out...it's especially helpful if you have too much time on your hands so things get put off or if you hardly have any time so you can't get to it!
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Friday, August 21, 2009

MRI here we come.

Oh joy. MRI...I love the question "are you claustrophobic?" because even if your not it's a little freaky that any test you have done would necessitate the asking of that question. My RE thinks he's pinpointed the cause not only of my M/C but also of my infertility, and it comes in a lovely little 3-part package.

Part 1-Ovulation Disorder
Upon looking at my dominant follicle on my Right Ovary (the one that's not connected to my uterus in any way, shape, or form...great) we noticed that it's oblong, not circular like it's supposed to be. From what he's seen, this means poor egg quality. Poor egg quality = poor embryo quality=M/C. My left ovary (the only one that I can get pregnant from) probably does the same thing. The interesting part: this occurrence has coincided with headache susceptibility in the women who have it. I have headache susceptibility, and this is linked to a magnesium deficiency. Wonderful.

Part 2-MTHFR
This lovely gene mutation also causes M/C...great, grand, WONDERFUL!!!!

Part 3-Unicornuate Uterus
I can only get pg off of my left ovary, and my uterus is half the size of a normal one...so keeping a pregnancy is difficult

Basically, parts 1 and 2 are why I'm not getting pg (or I am but it's not keeping it b/c of issues with egg quality/low folic acid etc) and my uterus is why I don't stay pg. The good news is that parts 1 and 2 are both treatable with meds, and part 3...well, women with UU have babies all the time, it just means a lot of extra special care and precautions.

So, off to my pelvic MRI and renal ultrasound next week...gotta make sure we know what's going on with my kidneys too!
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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Ah, anxiety. You suck.

2 hours of sleep. And about 45 minutes of dozing. This does not bode well for anyone I come into contact today. I told Ben I was going to do some shopping today due to the fact that I need some retail therapy. My RE also wants me to pickup a specific type of OPK, so I have to go 15 minutes out of my way because the only place that carries them is the hospital pharmacy. Great. I also have $10 off at Maurices and possibly Buckle. Not that I always find something at Buckle, but hey, they do have some cute wallets/purses etc. I'm also most definitely not a teenager anymore, but both Buckle and Maurice's has things that fit me way better than anything I can find at Macy's or Dillards and I'm not nearly old enough to wear half of the stuff in Macy's or Dillards anyway.

I hate where I'm at for clothing. At 25 years old, shopping in the Jr's section is just wishful thinking, but the styling in the women's section (for casual clothes at least) isn't really age-appropriate either. I don't need to be dressing like my mother, at least not yet. (Although my mom has started dressing less like the stereotypical mommy and more like the fabulous "29" year old she is). Maybe a trip to Ann Taylor Loft is also in order. Although, at this point, when (if I do get pg) I won't be getting a job, there isn't anything at Ann Taylor Loft that's really appropriate for lounging around the house. ATL is my go to place for work clothes. The more teenage-y stores are my comfy clothes places.

Ok, back on topic. I haven't really had anxiety (not like this, at least) since I was 18 years old, off at college, and having separation anxiety. During that bout with my lovely life-disrupting friend I was either in class, trying to get motivated to finish homework, or sleeping. This go round is much, much uglier. I have no motivation to do anything, although there is plenty of stuff to do around the house. I don't have class or anywhere to be besides Dr's appointments once or twice a week. I'm bored...and tired...but I cannot, for the life of me, sleep. Benedryl doesn't help, a glass of wine doesn't help, reading until my eyes can't stay open doesn't help. The second I snuggle down, I'm awake. How bizarre is that?

Maybe if I go shopping/run errands, then go to the gym, then spend the better part of the afternoon/evening weeding the flower beds I just might be able to sleep longer than 2 hours. Maybe. I'll let you know how far I get. I'm betting some shopping and then couch time, but hopefully I can prove myself wrong.
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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Revelation

I may not be able to ever have a child of my own. Wow. Never thought I would say that. I have been pregnant twice, no children. It's so funny how you spend your entire young life trying NOT to get knocked up, and then, when what you want more than anything in the world is to be pregnant, it doesn't happen. I haven't really slept in 2 days.

On Monday I learned that I have the MTHFR gene mutation. As another blogger put it, does whoever came up with that abbreviation realized that it looks like Motherf***er, just shortened? It's appropriate to what it does to women trying to get pregnant, but still, a little odd. OK, that's treatable with supplements. No biggie. But I still had my HSG scheduled for Tuesday morning. Ever since my miscarriage in June of 2008 I had a feeling something was off. After all, I had never had a problem getting pregnant in the past...I got knocked up after one encounter during my freshman year of college, and when my husband and I decided to have a baby it only took us 3 cycles to get pregnant.

After a few months of TTC with no success, I knew there was something wrong. But my Dr's told me to wait until a year after my M/C. Well, we're a military family, and at a year after my M/C we were preparing to move for the second time in 6 months. Oh joy. The damn movers lost some of our stuff...well, my stuff. Ben doesn't really give a crap where mixing bowls or the change bowl for the laundry room went.

So, after much begging and fighting with our insurance (I love Tricare, the coverage is great, but getting referrals is more of a chore than is really necessary) I got to see my RE, who is wonderfule, and he agreed that an HSG was the way to go. I just knew the HSG would show the source of our problems. And boy, was I right!

It appears as though I have the uterine anomaly known as an unicornuate uterus. AKA hemi-uterus. AKA I ONLY HAVE HALF OF A FREAKING UTERUS. Not good for conception or carrying a baby to term. The worst part of it was that  Ben  was (and still is) in the field, so I went to/from the appointment in a cab, saw this, and have spent the last 2 days dealing with it alone. I haven't talked to  Ben  in 2 weeks, and he won't be home until sometime between the 25th and the 28th. Gotta love military trainings. He was able to call tonight and has just now learned about it. Where to go from here is a matter of debate. He says he'll do anything I want, including staying active duty as a career, to get us our children, since we can't really afford IVF any other way.

Our plan at the moment is to do 2 rounds (hopefully) of IUI before he deploys for a second tour in Iraq. If that doesn't take, everything gets put on hold until he gets back. Fun. Then we do the IVF vs. adoption debate. Adoption is a little more costly, but you're pretty much guaranteed a baby. IVF is a little less, but no real guarantee. Ugh. If I do get pg it pretty much means I can't work, which kills me, because there is a VERY HIGH likelyhood that I will have to go on bed rest for about 5 months or so, depending on how things progress. Not to mention a high chance of preterm delivery, and almost certainly a C-section.

We're going for it. Oh yeah, and did I mention that there is a possibility that along with this lovely birth defect, there is a chance that I only have one kidney? Fun stuff.  Ben 's more worried about my health than anything...what a great husband! I just want a child of my own. I was thinking big before, wanting 2 biological and 1 adopted child. Now I'll be more than ecstatic if I can even have one of my own. We'll see what the Dr. says on Friday.

Waiting kills me. Time for another attempt at sleep and some retail therapy tomorrow.
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