Sunday, February 28, 2010

Wishing...(aka feeling sorry for myself)

I'm sitting here on no sleep at all at 6:00 am wishing that I had more than I do. I'm wishing that I had a normal reproductive system and that, when my husband gets home, I could get pregnant with a healthy baby without medical intervention (and even then, without it being a long shot). I'm wishing that genetics could have been on my side to give any pregnancy could possibly achieve a fighting chance without close monitoring. I'm wishing I didn't have to resort to a couple of drinks to really confront what I'm feeling. And most of all, I'm wishing that people would stop asking "when are you going to have kids" or "how does it feel to go through all of this" because the truth is that it hurts like no reality has ever hurt and there is nothing that anyone can do to make that pain go away. Ugh. I want this nightmare to be over and for the reality of pregnancy being easy and resulting in a healthy, normal baby (or babies) to be the reality.
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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Ouch! And Waiting...

First of all...WTH is with this pain on my right side!?! I have an ovary over there, but it never hurts like this, and it's not ovulation because I'm not due to ovulate for at least 10 more days! I'm seriously considering calling my Dr. to see if she can't figure it out. I would call the RE, but I'm not sure I want to bother him with this when it's probably nothing.  Still though...ow! I need this to stop. I'm worried that it could be a cyst or which case I would LOVE it if they would just take the darn ovary out, since it won't do me any good anyway!

Second...waiting is killing me. I'm waiting for a job (or rather, to see if a few jobs I applied for work out), I'm waiting for  Ben to get R&R so we can spend a nice vacation in Europe, I'm waiting for this deployment to be over, I'm waiting to get pregnant or learn once and for all that that's not going to happen.  I'm waiting to see what Ben's going to do as far as career...get out or stay in. With that decision comes me waiting to find out where we're going to live next and what I'll be doing there...will it be short term or long term? Will I be able to get a job that includes what I want to do and a nice career path (with a nice pay =)). Will we find a house that we want to buy and live in, or will we continue to rent. I hate deployments. Not only is  Ben in danger and gone for a year, but both of our lives get put on hold and I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo for a year (or more) until he gets back, at which time our lives get to continue. Argh! Calling my Dr in the next couple days to see what's going on with this pain. GRRR. =)
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