The Revelation

I may not be able to ever have a child of my own. Wow. Never thought I would say that. I have been pregnant twice, no children. It's so funny how you spend your entire young life trying NOT to get knocked up, and then, when what you want more than anything in the world is to be pregnant, it doesn't happen. I haven't really slept in 2 days.

On Monday I learned that I have the MTHFR gene mutation. As another blogger put it, does whoever came up with that abbreviation realized that it looks like Motherf***er, just shortened? It's appropriate to what it does to women trying to get pregnant, but still, a little odd. OK, that's treatable with supplements. No biggie. But I still had my HSG scheduled for Tuesday morning. Ever since my miscarriage in June of 2008 I had a feeling something was off. After all, I had never had a problem getting pregnant in the past...I got knocked up after one encounter during my freshman year of college, and when my husband and I decided to have a baby it only took us 3 cycles to get pregnant.

After a few months of TTC with no success, I knew there was something wrong. But my Dr's told me to wait until a year after my M/C. Well, we're a military family, and at a year after my M/C we were preparing to move for the second time in 6 months. Oh joy. The damn movers lost some of our stuff...well, my stuff. Ben doesn't really give a crap where mixing bowls or the change bowl for the laundry room went.

So, after much begging and fighting with our insurance (I love Tricare, the coverage is great, but getting referrals is more of a chore than is really necessary) I got to see my RE, who is wonderfule, and he agreed that an HSG was the way to go. I just knew the HSG would show the source of our problems. And boy, was I right!

It appears as though I have the uterine anomaly known as an unicornuate uterus. AKA hemi-uterus. AKA I ONLY HAVE HALF OF A FREAKING UTERUS. Not good for conception or carrying a baby to term. The worst part of it was that  Ben  was (and still is) in the field, so I went to/from the appointment in a cab, saw this, and have spent the last 2 days dealing with it alone. I haven't talked to  Ben  in 2 weeks, and he won't be home until sometime between the 25th and the 28th. Gotta love military trainings. He was able to call tonight and has just now learned about it. Where to go from here is a matter of debate. He says he'll do anything I want, including staying active duty as a career, to get us our children, since we can't really afford IVF any other way.

Our plan at the moment is to do 2 rounds (hopefully) of IUI before he deploys for a second tour in Iraq. If that doesn't take, everything gets put on hold until he gets back. Fun. Then we do the IVF vs. adoption debate. Adoption is a little more costly, but you're pretty much guaranteed a baby. IVF is a little less, but no real guarantee. Ugh. If I do get pg it pretty much means I can't work, which kills me, because there is a VERY HIGH likelyhood that I will have to go on bed rest for about 5 months or so, depending on how things progress. Not to mention a high chance of preterm delivery, and almost certainly a C-section.

We're going for it. Oh yeah, and did I mention that there is a possibility that along with this lovely birth defect, there is a chance that I only have one kidney? Fun stuff.  Ben 's more worried about my health than anything...what a great husband! I just want a child of my own. I was thinking big before, wanting 2 biological and 1 adopted child. Now I'll be more than ecstatic if I can even have one of my own. We'll see what the Dr. says on Friday.

Waiting kills me. Time for another attempt at sleep and some retail therapy tomorrow.