Friday, October 16, 2009

I woke up at 5:15...AM

I'm so nervous. About everything. About the fact that I sold our old car earlier this week and now it's apparently having issues...not bad issues, the engine light's on (which has happened before but both times it's only been a sensor, nothing major) and it needs oil). About the fact that  Ben  is leaving for Iraq soon and we've been talking about adoption more seriously. About the fact that in 5 hours and 19 minutes I'll be at the RE's office, finding out if my left ovary decided to come out and play this month. About the fact that if my left ovary did decide to cooperate, that IUI is coming SOON and it may be the last shot that Ben agrees to, about  the fact that I will be going through a high risk pregnancy, a possible reduction if necessary (if there are multiples) and a probably preterm delivery via C-section without my husband, since there is no way to know when to ask for leave...about the fact that my student loans never seem to go down, and that we have 2 car payments and a credit card bill that seems to grow exponentially even though I religiously put $500 on it each month-even though we could be using that money to enjoy  Ben's last few weeks at home.

So, at 5:00 my alarm went off and I temped, like I do every morning. But instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, I started having a panic attack about the possibility that I didn't account for my student loan payment coming out of my checking account. I did, no problem, but that didn't stop my brain from racing thinking about everything that's going on.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG...what if today she tells me that my left ovary apparently hates me and there will be no IUI AGAIN this cycle...what if everything does work...what if what if what if?
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