Monday, October 19, 2009

We're Done

I'm O'ing off of my right. Again.  No IUI, no baby, no nothing. We can't afford IVF, and even if we could, who wants to pay that much for a "maybe baby" when you can pay the same and adopt a child that you are guaranteed to get.  Ben wants me to really start researching and contacting people about international adoption. We're done trying. I don't even know how long I'll keep this blog going...I might delete it entirely. What's the point...I can't chronicle my pregnancy and delivery etc, nothing. It would just be stupid musings and complaints (not that I don't complain enough on here already). Bye, if anyone cares. I don't know if I'll be back.
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Saturday, October 17, 2009

Come on, Lefty!

Well, the U/S showed that I had follicles on both ovaries...wait to work, Menopur! However, the one on my left ovary was around 10/11mm, and the one on the right was 12mm. I need lefty to GROW GROW GROW and be as big or bigger than the right follicle on Monday, which is when I go in for another U/S to check what's going on. If Lefty does its job, we'll schedule my trigger shot and IUI. If not, we're done for a year. I'm not confident. I've been having pains on my right side all day, much like O pains, although with the size the follicles were yesterday they're not O pains...so they must be growing pains. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let the left one grow fast and the right one slow down...I need this to work. I think I mentioned before that we're already researching adoption and that the Ukraine looks like a winning candidate. Plus the military will reimburse $2000 per child up to $5000 a year for adoption...we could do one trip, around $14000 and have 2 kids (since after the first child, if you get a second in the same trip-possibly a sibling group-is only $2000 more). Our family would be complete. I just think that I would feel empty somehow if we don't get to have our own biological child. On the other hand, with all the issues we've had, I worry that if we do adopt and then end up getting our biological child that the biological child would get "special" treatment" from us...so in the end it's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, no matter what happens.

Whatever in the world happened to "have sex, you'll get pregnant, and you'll have a baby." Whoever said that and made all of us think that it would happen that way for everyone should be shot. Ugh.
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Friday, October 16, 2009

I woke up at 5:15...AM

I'm so nervous. About everything. About the fact that I sold our old car earlier this week and now it's apparently having issues...not bad issues, the engine light's on (which has happened before but both times it's only been a sensor, nothing major) and it needs oil). About the fact that  Ben  is leaving for Iraq soon and we've been talking about adoption more seriously. About the fact that in 5 hours and 19 minutes I'll be at the RE's office, finding out if my left ovary decided to come out and play this month. About the fact that if my left ovary did decide to cooperate, that IUI is coming SOON and it may be the last shot that Ben agrees to, about  the fact that I will be going through a high risk pregnancy, a possible reduction if necessary (if there are multiples) and a probably preterm delivery via C-section without my husband, since there is no way to know when to ask for leave...about the fact that my student loans never seem to go down, and that we have 2 car payments and a credit card bill that seems to grow exponentially even though I religiously put $500 on it each month-even though we could be using that money to enjoy  Ben's last few weeks at home.

So, at 5:00 my alarm went off and I temped, like I do every morning. But instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, I started having a panic attack about the possibility that I didn't account for my student loan payment coming out of my checking account. I did, no problem, but that didn't stop my brain from racing thinking about everything that's going on.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG...what if today she tells me that my left ovary apparently hates me and there will be no IUI AGAIN this cycle...what if everything does work...what if what if what if?
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Sunday, October 11, 2009

Wow

My best friend is pregnant. She didn't even want kids. I found out through Facebook. Enough said. I quit. Not really, but this is just about my breaking point. I'm getting to where I've taken all I can take, I'm not sure that I'll be able to handle news like this, delivered in this fashion, again.
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Tired, Irratable, and Rock Band Beatles

Last night Ben  decided that me saying "I'm tired, I'm going to bed" meant that if he came to bed over an hour after me he would get to...play. We'll just say he's persistent. But, because of his persistence, I didn't get to sleep  (correction...I didn't get to go to sleep and stay asleep) until 2am. Which throws my sleeping pattern way off. Did I mention that I have mild, self-diagnosed insomnia? It's difficult for me to fall asleep, and once I do I only sleep 1-3 consecutive hours at a time...so him waking me up was not in his best interests LOL! Plus, I'm finally getting to a point where I can fall asleep before 1am on my own, and I was getting excited. SO needless to say, I did my on-again, off-again sleep pattern until 11am. That's right...I slept until 11am...which I'm trying hard to avoid (if you go to bed later, it only stands to reason you sleep in later, right?).

When I woke up, I heard gunshots. No, not REAL gunshots... Ben was killing Nazi Zombies on the X-Box...don't ask. This has become one of his favorite past times. OK fine, it's 11am, I needed to get up anyway, so, I'll deal with being woken up in one of the most inconvenient fashions. HOWEVER...we have a long standing agreement that he can play all his little games that require the TV until I'm awake or if I say I don't mind...but he doesn't get to monopolize the TV all the time (did I mention that we have EVERY gaming system available in the most current format? Fun for me...I pretty much HATE video games). Here it is, 12:30, I still haven't eaten, and he's playing Rock Band Beatles...for the last hour. Hasn't even mentioned or thought that I might like to use the TV, at least for a little bit. So I'm being petty, I know, but seriously...after waking me up last night from a dead sleep, he should know how close to death he came (joking) and be aware that I'm not in my best mood!

On another note, I do love the Beatles, but not at a decibel that would make an elephant's head explode!
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Saturday, October 10, 2009

Really...PAYING for a Dog Park?

So, Ben  and I were really excited to take our two dogs to the off leash dog park that's about 30 minutes from us. We used to do this at our old duty station frequently, and our routine was to go get coffee, spend about an hour or more at the dog park and then take the girls for a walk to really wear them out. It was a fun, inexpensive way to spend the day. We were so excited when we learned that there is a dog park close by here as well!

I go and look the park up online this morning to make sure we know where it is and the rules/regulations etc. only to find out that they REQUIRE a paid membership to use the park. You have to have a friggin' KEY CARD to get in! And you are REQUIRED to do a minimum of 4 hours community service at the park to keep your membership (yeah, how are they going to keep track of that). So, no dice on that. Especially because you can't go there, pay the fee, and get in that day. You have to either mail in a check or contact them and hope that they get back to you, and then you have to wait for your card to get to you. By the time that all of that happens  Ben  will be deployed!

On to plan B... Ben 's looking at "hiking" in the area. Of course, we're from the NW, so this won't be the kind of hiking we're used to, but it might be something. The only problem there: He's looking at 4.5 mile hikes...I went on a short walk with my MIL the other day and got sciatica! How on earth does he think I'm going to make it 4.5 miles...and it might rain today (oh hell, it will rain, who am I kidding!).

Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to stay at home snuggled on the couch with the dogs...
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Thursday, October 8, 2009

AF....GO AWAY!!!

She's here. Again. And again and again and again. Really, why is it so hard for her to go away for about 9 months with the result being a beautiful bouncing new baby? Why? WHY???? Oh yeah, that's right, because my body HATES me!!!!

As I said before, (I think) the injectables did what they were supposed to do and made my O dysfunction go away, which is WONDERFUL! It (hopefully) means that if and when we do get pg with the meds the baby will be viable. I'm pretty sure that the combination of my O dysfunction and my MTHFR are what caused my last M/C, and am really hopeful about this IUI coming up...probably mostly because it's the last shot before deployment...for real this time, Ben won't even be home when I find out if I'm pg or not!

On another note...the in-laws just left today. I love having them here, I love seeing the family, but they're a bit much for me to deal with since they're a little more...well...introverted than my family. Conversations can feel a bit stilted with them, and I get tired trying to keep up the facade that I'm loving every second I spend trying to get them to have a normal conversation LOL! It doesn't help that my BIL is having issues lately, and is putting more than just a little strain on everyone in the family, and subsequently on the family as a whole.

I did get a pedicure today...YAY! Isn't it amazing how much better you feel just by having pretty feet? My mom thinks I'm nuts to spend $30 or more every 3-4 weeks on a pedicure, but with everything going on, I figure it's a small price to pay to feel pretty and relaxed, right? OK OK, so I could just take a bath, but it's so much more fun to have someone else pamper and spoil you...after all, with a bath I have to run it, put the salts/bubbles in, pour the wine (if I can have it), light the candles, and clean the tub when I'm done...it's way more fun (and satisfying) to have someone else do all the work and all I'm in charge of is relaxing LOL!
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