Ugh...Meds or Me?

Well, if I'm not pg, and I'm not sick (I don't think) then why do I feel like crap all the time lately? I'm either cramping or feeling like I'm going to puke or so tired that I want to sleep, but (of course) sleep won't come. We're talking like, 1 or 2 am that I can finally shut myself off and go to sleep, and even then I'm waking up at least once if not more during the night. The cramping has been happening about a week after ovulation for 3 cycles now...it kept me up for 2 hours a couple nights ago. Since I did have one follie on my good ovary (even though it was small) I don't know if I O'd off of that side at all or not, and if I did I don't want to take any meds to curb the pain aside from Tylenol, and let me tell you, good old Tylenol isn't cutting it this time! We're talking, start in the normal spot for cramps and work their way around to my back in a searing, radiating pain!

Then today (for the second time this week) I woke up feeling sick to my stomach and got dizzy when I got out of bed. Within being up for no more than 1 1/2 hours I started feeling nauseous. I don't think I'm pg (at this point I've all but given up hope of that without the IUI,and even then I'm skeptical) so at this point I'm blaming the meds and a mean body...WTH, I've never cramped earlier than a couple days before my period.

The really sucky thing is that I can't even truly count these as possible pg symptoms since they have started around the same time for 3 cycles now...great, my body just decides to hate me and put me through all this for the fun of it!

Then, on top of all of this, Ben's brother is turning into a royal F*%k up, and his family may not be able to come visit Ben before he deploys. We're all so mad at his brother it's indescribable. The reality of the situation is that Ben is deploying and he may not come back. It's bad juju to say it, but there he is. It's too late for him to get a pass to go home and see his family, and his brother can't leave the state right now...Monday will bring the news if that's been lifted or not. It's been 3 years of this crap with him, and this is the final straw for us. So on top of all of our TTC issues and stresses, Ben and I are having to deal with that too, which isn't helping anything. We have a month until he deploys, we should be trying to enjoy our time together, and it feels like most of our time is worrying about his brother or scheduling things for the IUI etc. Luckily we're being pretty good about finding things to do...aka wildlife reserve, going to other cities around here to explore, having nights out with friends, so we're still enjoying life, but there seems to always be a cloud over all of that (more about his brother than TTC...we've pretty much come to terms with all of the baby-making stuff).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

Getting past it...or not

Every time I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I might not ever be able to have biological children, something comes up or someone says something that sets me back to a place where I'm not so OK with everything. For example, this month, after learning that the IUI wouldn't be happening, the NP said "there have been rare cases where the egg crosses over to the good tube and a pregnancy happened." Well, shit. I was doing so well, OK with the fact that a pregnancy wouldn't happen this month. Then she says that and, no matter how slim the chance, the chance is still there...and all my resiliance melts away. Then my mom says (after I tell her that I am OK with it) that she "just knows" I'll have kids of my own...call it a "gut feeling." NOT HELPING! AAAARGH!

Well...Crap. And Yay!

IUI is out this month. The injectibles did what they were supposed to do...I had healthy looking follicles. One on the right ovary and one on the left. The problem is that the larger one, the one that will result in ovulation, is on the right, which means that it can't be fertilized since my right ovary isn't attached to my uterus. SO...that's crap for this month.

On the other hand, due to the fact that my cycle has shortened and stabilized, Ben will be home for one more shot at IUI....I'm seriously hoping that they up my meds next cycle to try and ensure ovulation from my left ovary. I'm also kind of hoping that even though the follicle on the left is small, it matures enough to give us the possibility of fertilizing it this cycle the old fashioned way. Fingers crossed! I'll probably know in a couple weeks!

IUI here we come!

So, since I got my period yesterday, the fun is about to begin! My insurance doesn't pay for my injectibles, but they do pay for the HcG shot? What?? That just doesn't make sense to me. Anyway...

$134 for the 2 days worth of injectibles...check.

Appointment to learn how to administer injectibles...Check.

Appointment for the U/S to check on my follicles and make sure I'm ovulating on the left side...check

HcG shot ordered...check

Confident about being able to administer these meds myself without freaking out...well, 4 out of 5 ain't bad!

I hate shots. I hate needles. Whatever makes these people think I'll be able to do this on my own is a mystery to me. I still don't know the exact results of my renal U/S or my MRI yet...but it must not have shown anything we didn't already know, or else they wouldn't have started the IUI cycle...right? We'll see. The really fun part about all of this is that my parents will be here next week...the week of my injectible drugs and U/S...oh joy. I'm really hoping the side effects aren't too bad...I would hate for the first time my parents, husband and I get to spend together in 9 months (and the last time for a year) to be marred by me being moody due to meds (well, more moody than usual at least LOL).

At this point all I can do is sit back and think positive...if we don't get pregnant in this shot then we have to wait for another year until the hubby gets back from deployment. It figures that as soon as we figure out what's going on and take steps to overcome it he has to deploy. It just figures!

MRI...Finally

OK, MRI tomorrow. Yikes. I got my confirmation of approval from my insurance today, so all is well...and, even better, Captain Caffeine can go with me, so I don't have to hear bad news alone. Isn't is sad how after a while we come to expect bad news rather than good? I guess it just means that when we get good news it's just that much better...right? The nice thing is that, since I ovulated from my right side (aka the floating ovary) and there is no chance of me being pg, I can sit here enjoying a nice glass of wine without feeling the slightest bit of guilt. Wish me luck tomorrow...in a perfect world it would show a fully functioning, fully formed uterus with some sort of blockage that can be fixed...but I'm fully expecting it to show exactly what we think...a unicornuate uterus. After that is the renal U/S to check my kidneys...gotta make sure those little guys are both there, fully formed, and functioning correctly. That's actually the part that makes me a bit nervous...my little sister has bad kidneys, and while I know it's not related, that my condition is just a birth defect, I can't help but worry that I've only got one kidney and have not been treating it so nicely.

On another note...I found a picture that explains what my particular unicornuate uterus looks like...well, at least after a bit of altering on my part. Check it out:

So, obviously, the one on the left is a normal uterus, and the one on the right is what I have (we think). I have a hard time explaining what it is without pictures...this helps a lot!