Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hello. My name is...

Do you need a Xanax?
Twitchy, apparently. Because I can't stop moving. If Ben has Monkey, and I am in the same room, I start bouncing like I'm trying to soothe Monkey. If I see someone on T.V. shaking or swaying or anything, I immediately start. I cannot sit still. My feet or my head or my hands (or all three) must be moving at all times. I must be going insane. I would not be at all surprised if our bed falls apart because I'm shaking so much in my sleep that all the bolts loosen and the integrity of the bed is severely compromised. 

Oh, did I mention that I'm being eaten alive by the devil's minions (aka mosquitoes and gnats)? It wasn't until we moved to the south that I discovered that gnats bite. And apparently I'm on the menu EVERY DAY. I counted my bites today. I have just under 30!!! All of which popped up in 2 days, and I HAD BUG SPRAY ON! These little monsters apparently think I'm the best 3-course meal ever, and no amount of poison will deny them their desires.

On top of the shaking and the bug bites, I'm sore. I'm sure the twitches aren't helping the soreness...but I thought that maybe if I really started working out that I would calm down and be able to relax. So I started the 30-day Shred. while I'm sure my butt will look great at the end of it, my muscles are not thanking me now...especially when I have to tote Monkey around all day. My left arm and shoulder are about to go on strike. Then I'll be left without my baby-carrying arm (because carrying him with my right arm just feels wrong) so I'll  have a screaming baby, no left arm, and a complete inability to do anything that requires two-handed coordination. Welcome to insanity.
Hobbies? I'm trying to keep the house standing!

I really want to learn how to make crocheted wire jewelry. Specifically cuffs. The problem? I don't have the time while Monkey is sleeping and the energy to learn at the same time. All of my energy goes into him. Therefore, when he is sleeping, my pent up energy must go towards cleaning, cooking, laundry, the pets, and (of course) my nasty twitching habit. Who has time for jewelry?

So, ultimately, I'm a twitchy one-armed itchy bug-bitten monster who aspires to have personal time to craft and read and relax, but does not possess the time or constitution to accomplish any more than simply the day-to-day necessities. That may or may not include maintaining my own sanity.
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Thursday, April 14, 2011

My Truths of Parenting a Newborn/Infant

 I was thinking the other day about Murphy's Law (you know, the one saying that anything that can go wrong, will?) and how it applies when you are the parent (or in my case, mommy) of a newborn/infant. Keep in mind these also have to do with the fact that I am married to a man who "de-stresses" by playing extremely loud and sometimes overly violent video games, so that affects many of my truths.

1-Spit up is inevitable. Embrace it as your new fashion accessory.

      Monkey spits up at least a little after every feeding. This does not change based on what he consumes. That means that unless I am diligent in being armed with a burp rag and that rag is under his mouth I will have spit up on me almost all the time. Luckily I'm getting pretty good at anticipating when the white river will start flowing, and once you get to that point it's easy to catch it. Unless it's a flood, then there's nothing you can do.

2-Daddy cannot handle screaming. Apparently that's Mommy's area.
      If Ben has Monkey and a tantrum begins, Ben  has 2 solutions. Solution A is to stick a bottle in Monkey's mouth and hope that he's hungry. Solution B is to hand PP off to me. Normally not a big issue, but then Murphy's Law comes into play: When this happens I will inevitably be in the middle of doing something where holding a baby is not a good idea...like playing with fire (aka cooking) or working on plyometrics (required for getting clothes in and out of the washer/dryer).

3-"Quality time" apparently means playing video games and hoping Monkey is interested.
      This is how Ben "plays" with Monkey. There usually is no tummy time or real quality interaction unless I say something, and even then I get "but he's not crying." I had no idea that if baby's not crying then he doesn't need interaction. Huh.

4-There is no such thing as a break
      Ben takes the night shift once a week. This is supposed to be where I get to sleep an entire night through and he gets up with Monkey. Great! Except that he doesn't wake up unless Monkey is SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER, and even then Ben waking up is not guaranteed. Most of the time it ends up in me hearing Monkey, waking Ben up, and then 5 minutes later waking him up again because he fell back to sleep. Then, about 15 minutes later, Ben will wake me up because he can't figure out how to re-swaddle Monkey...well, that's if he even changed his diaper. There have been nights where I get up in the morning to find him swaddled exactly how I did it the night before and a diaper so full I'm surprised he isn't red as a tomato on his bum.

5-Yay! I'm getting a workout from carrying Monkey. Too bad my left arm is reaping all the benefits.
      I almost always carry him on my left arm. Why? That way I might be able to function with my right arm. However, I'm seriously thinking that by the end of this I'm going to look like Hellboy...one arm way bigger than the other (and everyone else will know which side is the "weak side").


6-I am tummy time.
    So, we all know that tummy time is important for newborns/infants so that they can strengthen their necks/arms/shoulders/backs. Great. Monkey HATES to be on his tummy...unless he's on my tummy. Great. I thought for sure I would have more time before I became a human jungle gym.

7-Finally...in reality I am living with 2 children (at least in some respects).
     Ben is a wonderful man...kind, considerate, a wonderful provider. He's funny (at times) and can pleasantly surprise you when you need it most. However, he apparently cannot sort laundry, fold or put away clothes, clean up coffee cups, water bottles, shoes, or socks, sweep a floor, make a bed, wash a dish, or pack his own bag for work. Oh, and when his World of Warcraft account got hacked and all of his stuff was stolen, he reacted not unlike Sheldon (minus the authorities being called).


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Thursday, April 7, 2011

That's all he's got?

I know I'm totally jinxing myself here...but really, I'm surprised. Monkey woke up at midnight for a feeding. Fine, I'd already slept 2 hours, so at least I feel like I've gotten some shut eye already. After only eating 2oz (damn child eats 4oz at every feeding and goes 3-4 hours between feedings, but with only 2oz in him I seriously think we're going to have sleep issues tonight) he fell back asleep.

So, I read a little more of Rants from Mommyland (my current favorite blog) and put him down in his crib. Of course, the second he touches the mattress, his eyes open. I, thinking that the Dr. JUST told me (as in today) to put him to bed drowsy but not asleep, leave him there and walk out of the room. Commence fussing. He cried for 5 minutes...and now silence.

I can't help but think that was too easy. Perhaps he's in there plotting my demise, and I will see what that plan consists of all too soon. Or it really was that easy...in which case I should count my blessings, not question it, and go back to bed.

Hah
...like my crazy brain will allow that to happen!

(edit: I knew I spoke too soon...he woke up 30 minutes later and now we're both awake on the couch. Who knows how this will end!)
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