Thursday, April 14, 2011

My Truths of Parenting a Newborn/Infant

 I was thinking the other day about Murphy's Law (you know, the one saying that anything that can go wrong, will?) and how it applies when you are the parent (or in my case, mommy) of a newborn/infant. Keep in mind these also have to do with the fact that I am married to a man who "de-stresses" by playing extremely loud and sometimes overly violent video games, so that affects many of my truths.

1-Spit up is inevitable. Embrace it as your new fashion accessory.

      Monkey spits up at least a little after every feeding. This does not change based on what he consumes. That means that unless I am diligent in being armed with a burp rag and that rag is under his mouth I will have spit up on me almost all the time. Luckily I'm getting pretty good at anticipating when the white river will start flowing, and once you get to that point it's easy to catch it. Unless it's a flood, then there's nothing you can do.

2-Daddy cannot handle screaming. Apparently that's Mommy's area.
      If Ben has Monkey and a tantrum begins, Ben  has 2 solutions. Solution A is to stick a bottle in Monkey's mouth and hope that he's hungry. Solution B is to hand PP off to me. Normally not a big issue, but then Murphy's Law comes into play: When this happens I will inevitably be in the middle of doing something where holding a baby is not a good idea...like playing with fire (aka cooking) or working on plyometrics (required for getting clothes in and out of the washer/dryer).

3-"Quality time" apparently means playing video games and hoping Monkey is interested.
      This is how Ben "plays" with Monkey. There usually is no tummy time or real quality interaction unless I say something, and even then I get "but he's not crying." I had no idea that if baby's not crying then he doesn't need interaction. Huh.

4-There is no such thing as a break
      Ben takes the night shift once a week. This is supposed to be where I get to sleep an entire night through and he gets up with Monkey. Great! Except that he doesn't wake up unless Monkey is SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER, and even then Ben waking up is not guaranteed. Most of the time it ends up in me hearing Monkey, waking Ben up, and then 5 minutes later waking him up again because he fell back to sleep. Then, about 15 minutes later, Ben will wake me up because he can't figure out how to re-swaddle Monkey...well, that's if he even changed his diaper. There have been nights where I get up in the morning to find him swaddled exactly how I did it the night before and a diaper so full I'm surprised he isn't red as a tomato on his bum.

5-Yay! I'm getting a workout from carrying Monkey. Too bad my left arm is reaping all the benefits.
      I almost always carry him on my left arm. Why? That way I might be able to function with my right arm. However, I'm seriously thinking that by the end of this I'm going to look like Hellboy...one arm way bigger than the other (and everyone else will know which side is the "weak side").


6-I am tummy time.
    So, we all know that tummy time is important for newborns/infants so that they can strengthen their necks/arms/shoulders/backs. Great. Monkey HATES to be on his tummy...unless he's on my tummy. Great. I thought for sure I would have more time before I became a human jungle gym.

7-Finally...in reality I am living with 2 children (at least in some respects).
     Ben is a wonderful man...kind, considerate, a wonderful provider. He's funny (at times) and can pleasantly surprise you when you need it most. However, he apparently cannot sort laundry, fold or put away clothes, clean up coffee cups, water bottles, shoes, or socks, sweep a floor, make a bed, wash a dish, or pack his own bag for work. Oh, and when his World of Warcraft account got hacked and all of his stuff was stolen, he reacted not unlike Sheldon (minus the authorities being called).


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