Ugh...Meds or Me?

Well, if I'm not pg, and I'm not sick (I don't think) then why do I feel like crap all the time lately? I'm either cramping or feeling like I'm going to puke or so tired that I want to sleep, but (of course) sleep won't come. We're talking like, 1 or 2 am that I can finally shut myself off and go to sleep, and even then I'm waking up at least once if not more during the night. The cramping has been happening about a week after ovulation for 3 cycles now...it kept me up for 2 hours a couple nights ago. Since I did have one follie on my good ovary (even though it was small) I don't know if I O'd off of that side at all or not, and if I did I don't want to take any meds to curb the pain aside from Tylenol, and let me tell you, good old Tylenol isn't cutting it this time! We're talking, start in the normal spot for cramps and work their way around to my back in a searing, radiating pain!

Then today (for the second time this week) I woke up feeling sick to my stomach and got dizzy when I got out of bed. Within being up for no more than 1 1/2 hours I started feeling nauseous. I don't think I'm pg (at this point I've all but given up hope of that without the IUI,and even then I'm skeptical) so at this point I'm blaming the meds and a mean body...WTH, I've never cramped earlier than a couple days before my period.

The really sucky thing is that I can't even truly count these as possible pg symptoms since they have started around the same time for 3 cycles now...great, my body just decides to hate me and put me through all this for the fun of it!

Then, on top of all of this, Ben's brother is turning into a royal F*%k up, and his family may not be able to come visit Ben before he deploys. We're all so mad at his brother it's indescribable. The reality of the situation is that Ben is deploying and he may not come back. It's bad juju to say it, but there he is. It's too late for him to get a pass to go home and see his family, and his brother can't leave the state right now...Monday will bring the news if that's been lifted or not. It's been 3 years of this crap with him, and this is the final straw for us. So on top of all of our TTC issues and stresses, Ben and I are having to deal with that too, which isn't helping anything. We have a month until he deploys, we should be trying to enjoy our time together, and it feels like most of our time is worrying about his brother or scheduling things for the IUI etc. Luckily we're being pretty good about finding things to do...aka wildlife reserve, going to other cities around here to explore, having nights out with friends, so we're still enjoying life, but there seems to always be a cloud over all of that (more about his brother than TTC...we've pretty much come to terms with all of the baby-making stuff).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

IUI here we come!

So, since I got my period yesterday, the fun is about to begin! My insurance doesn't pay for my injectibles, but they do pay for the HcG shot? What?? That just doesn't make sense to me. Anyway...

$134 for the 2 days worth of injectibles...check.

Appointment to learn how to administer injectibles...Check.

Appointment for the U/S to check on my follicles and make sure I'm ovulating on the left side...check

HcG shot ordered...check

Confident about being able to administer these meds myself without freaking out...well, 4 out of 5 ain't bad!

I hate shots. I hate needles. Whatever makes these people think I'll be able to do this on my own is a mystery to me. I still don't know the exact results of my renal U/S or my MRI yet...but it must not have shown anything we didn't already know, or else they wouldn't have started the IUI cycle...right? We'll see. The really fun part about all of this is that my parents will be here next week...the week of my injectible drugs and U/S...oh joy. I'm really hoping the side effects aren't too bad...I would hate for the first time my parents, husband and I get to spend together in 9 months (and the last time for a year) to be marred by me being moody due to meds (well, more moody than usual at least LOL).

At this point all I can do is sit back and think positive...if we don't get pregnant in this shot then we have to wait for another year until the hubby gets back from deployment. It figures that as soon as we figure out what's going on and take steps to overcome it he has to deploy. It just figures!

The Revelation

I may not be able to ever have a child of my own. Wow. Never thought I would say that. I have been pregnant twice, no children. It's so funny how you spend your entire young life trying NOT to get knocked up, and then, when what you want more than anything in the world is to be pregnant, it doesn't happen. I haven't really slept in 2 days.

On Monday I learned that I have the MTHFR gene mutation. As another blogger put it, does whoever came up with that abbreviation realized that it looks like Motherf***er, just shortened? It's appropriate to what it does to women trying to get pregnant, but still, a little odd. OK, that's treatable with supplements. No biggie. But I still had my HSG scheduled for Tuesday morning. Ever since my miscarriage in June of 2008 I had a feeling something was off. After all, I had never had a problem getting pregnant in the past...I got knocked up after one encounter during my freshman year of college, and when my husband and I decided to have a baby it only took us 3 cycles to get pregnant.

After a few months of TTC with no success, I knew there was something wrong. But my Dr's told me to wait until a year after my M/C. Well, we're a military family, and at a year after my M/C we were preparing to move for the second time in 6 months. Oh joy. The damn movers lost some of our stuff...well, my stuff. Ben doesn't really give a crap where mixing bowls or the change bowl for the laundry room went.

So, after much begging and fighting with our insurance (I love Tricare, the coverage is great, but getting referrals is more of a chore than is really necessary) I got to see my RE, who is wonderfule, and he agreed that an HSG was the way to go. I just knew the HSG would show the source of our problems. And boy, was I right!

It appears as though I have the uterine anomaly known as an unicornuate uterus. AKA hemi-uterus. AKA I ONLY HAVE HALF OF A FREAKING UTERUS. Not good for conception or carrying a baby to term. The worst part of it was that  Ben  was (and still is) in the field, so I went to/from the appointment in a cab, saw this, and have spent the last 2 days dealing with it alone. I haven't talked to  Ben  in 2 weeks, and he won't be home until sometime between the 25th and the 28th. Gotta love military trainings. He was able to call tonight and has just now learned about it. Where to go from here is a matter of debate. He says he'll do anything I want, including staying active duty as a career, to get us our children, since we can't really afford IVF any other way.

Our plan at the moment is to do 2 rounds (hopefully) of IUI before he deploys for a second tour in Iraq. If that doesn't take, everything gets put on hold until he gets back. Fun. Then we do the IVF vs. adoption debate. Adoption is a little more costly, but you're pretty much guaranteed a baby. IVF is a little less, but no real guarantee. Ugh. If I do get pg it pretty much means I can't work, which kills me, because there is a VERY HIGH likelyhood that I will have to go on bed rest for about 5 months or so, depending on how things progress. Not to mention a high chance of preterm delivery, and almost certainly a C-section.

We're going for it. Oh yeah, and did I mention that there is a possibility that along with this lovely birth defect, there is a chance that I only have one kidney? Fun stuff.  Ben 's more worried about my health than anything...what a great husband! I just want a child of my own. I was thinking big before, wanting 2 biological and 1 adopted child. Now I'll be more than ecstatic if I can even have one of my own. We'll see what the Dr. says on Friday.

Waiting kills me. Time for another attempt at sleep and some retail therapy tomorrow.