I made a bad decision...

I rented a movie on Netflix and forgot about it. I put it in today and all I want to do is cry while watching. It's called "Maybe Baby" and the reason I rented it is because it has Hugh Laurie and Emma Thompson are in it, so I didn't pay attention to what it was about. It's about a couple struggling with unexplained infertility. It's not exactly our situation, but close enough. Stupid me...I need to pay more attention to things!!!

Wishing...(aka feeling sorry for myself)

I'm sitting here on no sleep at all at 6:00 am wishing that I had more than I do. I'm wishing that I had a normal reproductive system and that, when my husband gets home, I could get pregnant with a healthy baby without medical intervention (and even then, without it being a long shot). I'm wishing that genetics could have been on my side to give any pregnancy could possibly achieve a fighting chance without close monitoring. I'm wishing I didn't have to resort to a couple of drinks to really confront what I'm feeling. And most of all, I'm wishing that people would stop asking "when are you going to have kids" or "how does it feel to go through all of this" because the truth is that it hurts like no reality has ever hurt and there is nothing that anyone can do to make that pain go away. Ugh. I want this nightmare to be over and for the reality of pregnancy being easy and resulting in a healthy, normal baby (or babies) to be the reality.

Ouch! And Waiting...

First of all...WTH is with this pain on my right side!?! I have an ovary over there, but it never hurts like this, and it's not ovulation because I'm not due to ovulate for at least 10 more days! I'm seriously considering calling my Dr. to see if she can't figure it out. I would call the RE, but I'm not sure I want to bother him with this when it's probably nothing.  Still though...ow! I need this to stop. I'm worried that it could be a cyst or something...in which case I would LOVE it if they would just take the darn ovary out, since it won't do me any good anyway!

Second...waiting is killing me. I'm waiting for a job (or rather, to see if a few jobs I applied for work out), I'm waiting for  Ben to get R&R so we can spend a nice vacation in Europe, I'm waiting for this deployment to be over, I'm waiting to get pregnant or learn once and for all that that's not going to happen.  I'm waiting to see what Ben's going to do as far as career...get out or stay in. With that decision comes me waiting to find out where we're going to live next and what I'll be doing there...will it be short term or long term? Will I be able to get a job that includes what I want to do and a nice career path (with a nice pay =)). Will we find a house that we want to buy and live in, or will we continue to rent. I hate deployments. Not only is  Ben in danger and gone for a year, but both of our lives get put on hold and I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo for a year (or more) until he gets back, at which time our lives get to continue. Argh! Calling my Dr in the next couple days to see what's going on with this pain. GRRR. =)

Been a while...

Well, after a lot of discussion with  Ben and with my RE about cost, we have decided to continue trying to conceive when  Ben  gets home from deployment. We also want to try on R&R, but we know chances are slim, so really we're just going to make sure I'm on my meds in case I do get pregnant to ensure that we've done everything possible for a healthy baby.

The plan is as follows: I'm calling my RE on Monday to see about trying out different meds to get my left ovary stimulated enough to ovulate. If we succeed, I will take the same combination of meds during  Ben's R&R to give us the best possible chances of conceiving. HOWEVER...I'm not going to cut out drinking or having a good time while we're in Europe. We figure we'll just set everything up so that we possibly have a chance in hell, and then leave it up to nature...so no real stress about it then. It is, after all, the only 2 weeks we'll see each other in a year's time, so we need to enjoy that.

Then, when he gets back, I will have gotten a new referral to my RE so that we are set up and ready to try for IUI again. It's way cheaper than we thought, and we REALLY want biological children, so we figure we'll at least get through 3 full cycles of IUI before seriously considering adoption. If 3-4 cycles of IUI don't work (and considering I've gotten pregnant very quickly twice before, with all of that help I can't imagine it not working at least one of those times) we'll move on to adoption.

I still think that I'll have to at least do over the counter medication for my MTHFR as long as we're still in the "we want a kid/more kids" mindset...that way if I do ever get pregnant on an "oops" it has a good shot at being healthy. We have decided that I won't ever go back on birth control, since there's really no point...once we reach a time when we say "we've got all the kids we want"  Ben will have the little snip snip done and that's that.

Don't know how often I'll post on here, but it does feel good to get it out (plus this way I don't annoy my close friends and family with the same conversation all the time LOL!)

We're Done

I'm O'ing off of my right. Again.  No IUI, no baby, no nothing. We can't afford IVF, and even if we could, who wants to pay that much for a "maybe baby" when you can pay the same and adopt a child that you are guaranteed to get.  Ben wants me to really start researching and contacting people about international adoption. We're done trying. I don't even know how long I'll keep this blog going...I might delete it entirely. What's the point...I can't chronicle my pregnancy and delivery etc, nothing. It would just be stupid musings and complaints (not that I don't complain enough on here already). Bye, if anyone cares. I don't know if I'll be back.

Come on, Lefty!

Well, the U/S showed that I had follicles on both ovaries...wait to work, Menopur! However, the one on my left ovary was around 10/11mm, and the one on the right was 12mm. I need lefty to GROW GROW GROW and be as big or bigger than the right follicle on Monday, which is when I go in for another U/S to check what's going on. If Lefty does its job, we'll schedule my trigger shot and IUI. If not, we're done for a year. I'm not confident. I've been having pains on my right side all day, much like O pains, although with the size the follicles were yesterday they're not O pains...so they must be growing pains. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let the left one grow fast and the right one slow down...I need this to work. I think I mentioned before that we're already researching adoption and that the Ukraine looks like a winning candidate. Plus the military will reimburse $2000 per child up to $5000 a year for adoption...we could do one trip, around $14000 and have 2 kids (since after the first child, if you get a second in the same trip-possibly a sibling group-is only $2000 more). Our family would be complete. I just think that I would feel empty somehow if we don't get to have our own biological child. On the other hand, with all the issues we've had, I worry that if we do adopt and then end up getting our biological child that the biological child would get "special" treatment" from us...so in the end it's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, no matter what happens.

Whatever in the world happened to "have sex, you'll get pregnant, and you'll have a baby." Whoever said that and made all of us think that it would happen that way for everyone should be shot. Ugh.

I woke up at 5:15...AM

I'm so nervous. About everything. About the fact that I sold our old car earlier this week and now it's apparently having issues...not bad issues, the engine light's on (which has happened before but both times it's only been a sensor, nothing major) and it needs oil). About the fact that  Ben  is leaving for Iraq soon and we've been talking about adoption more seriously. About the fact that in 5 hours and 19 minutes I'll be at the RE's office, finding out if my left ovary decided to come out and play this month. About the fact that if my left ovary did decide to cooperate, that IUI is coming SOON and it may be the last shot that Ben agrees to, about  the fact that I will be going through a high risk pregnancy, a possible reduction if necessary (if there are multiples) and a probably preterm delivery via C-section without my husband, since there is no way to know when to ask for leave...about the fact that my student loans never seem to go down, and that we have 2 car payments and a credit card bill that seems to grow exponentially even though I religiously put $500 on it each month-even though we could be using that money to enjoy  Ben's last few weeks at home.

So, at 5:00 my alarm went off and I temped, like I do every morning. But instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, I started having a panic attack about the possibility that I didn't account for my student loan payment coming out of my checking account. I did, no problem, but that didn't stop my brain from racing thinking about everything that's going on.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG...what if today she tells me that my left ovary apparently hates me and there will be no IUI AGAIN this cycle...what if everything does work...what if what if what if?